How Final Fantasy VII & IX Will Stop Me From Getting Laid.

So Final Fantasy VII hit stores on November 17^th,  1997,  I’m five,  we’d just gotten a Playstation a couple of months prior, my Dad just brought himself one and it sat hooked up to the TV in the living room,  in the front room we had a Mega Drive hooked up to shittiest ten inch TV you’d ever seen but I didn’t care, cause my daily routine was, get up, get dress for school , run down stairs and eat cereal out of the box while playing Sonic 2, go to school, come home, play Sonic 2 until I fell asleep, rinse and repeat.

FF7’s release was on a Monday, the following Saturday me, my mom, my dad and my sister all go out shopping, now my parents shop for Christmas throughout the year so November is last minute for them, so of course we end up in toys r’ us and I run straight for the video games, dad follows me, I’m there looking for Sonic 3, I didn’t even know there was a Sonic 3 until I’d saw the cartridge on my older cousins desk when I’d been at my uncles house a couple of weeks before hand, so I was looking intently for Sonic, while I’m doing that my dad’s looking through the Playstation games and sees Final Fantasy VII, so he picks it up for himself, I end up finding a copy of Sonic 3, so I’m over the moon, so we get home, I rush straight into the front room, don’t even care that it’s meant to be a present for me, I start playing and loving every second.

Couple of hours later my mom and my sister leave the house again, I don’t really remember why, I’m still playing sonic having an awesome time, when I hear my dad boot up the Playstation, and for the first time I hear that bass that plays when you started a PS1, I hadn’t even touched the Playstation, far as I was concerned that was his, I just played my Sega. But then I hear that piano that plays over the opening credits, and I just think what is that? So I just turn off my Sega and just walk into the living room, just as the opening sequence with the long pan to show all of Midgar, the logo, and then the zoom to the train and my jaw just fucking drops.

Took my dad 4 months to beat that game, and I was sat by his side for every second, transfixed by every single FMV, I didn’t even really know what was going all I remember thinking is “this is better than any cartoon ever, why don’t they make them all look like that?”

People look back at FF7 and some claim it to be amazing, others just think it’s the nostalgia talking, for me it’s not about how good the game is or isn’t, I play it now and I think it’s good, but the most important thing for me about it was that it was a 4 month journey me and my dad shared, it was a bonding point.

The reason I’ve bring this all up is that Final Fantasy, to me, is important cause it reminds me of that time, a happier time.

So we skip forward a couple of years, (my dad had actually brought and tried FF8 without telling me, thought it was shit and sold the thing, and with having tried it now I can say, thank you dad) it’s 2001 now and I’m nine, my dad comes home from work with a copy of Final Fantasy IX he’d brought second hand from a workmate, it was Sonic 3 all over again, I didn’t even know there was an 8, let alone a 9,  at that point the Sega was gone out of the front room, the PS1 had gone to my sister and I had a PS2 in my room, so I ran upstairs, grabbed my PS2 and rushed down to hook it up to the living room TV and me and my dad just play, 4 years later and it was the same jaw dropping awe-inspiring experience for me, it’s such a moment of my childhood that I’ve always thought of it as something me and my dad shared so when I thought about writing this I asked him for a quote about it.

“Seeing those 2 games for the first time is the only time I remember ever having seen you just shut the fuck up.” –LadDad

Hardly Shakespearian but the mother fucker has a way with words.

So, the simple fact is any lady boner pointed at me would be deflated at the mere sight of this post, so why write it?

Well there are many reasons I could tell you, one possible reason is I think it’s important to mark the roots of a hobby which I’ve been doing for as long as I can remember and will continue to do as long as my hands can move, another reason could be that this memory of me and my dad sharing in this experience is something that I hold very dear and would like to have it written down in some way.

Ultimately though there’s only one reason I wrote all this…

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I wanted a good excuse to type the term “lady boner”, sounds better than “getting a clit on.” 

Why I Will Always See Twitter as a Humorous Platform.

so let's get this out of the way first, Twitter is trash, it's the social media equivalent of a meme, a joke that went on to long. I've always seen it as a parody of comments on youtube. Picture it like this, a video gets uploaded to youtube, it's 14 minutes and 59 seconds long and all it is is just a white screen, no sound, no movement, nothing, just a 4:3 block of white. so this video sits there for a while and eventually someone picks up on it and posts a comment saying "what is this?", he decides to link it to his friends to see what they make of it, and they start posting comments asking the same question, until you've got 500 people asking "what the fuck is this?" so there's 500 people talking about nothing, 500 turns into 1000 cause they need more people in here to figure out what this video is for until eventually, one guy snaps and decides he can't be fucked to try and crack this code any more so he just posts "Good Will Hunting was a good film, I bet hugging Robin Williams would be like hugging a moulting wookie."

Thus Twitter was born.

When there's no presidents droning shepherds or anyone cutting themselves over a Christ figure in pop form, twitter just becomes this odd medley of humorous anecdotal beauty, the rest of the time it's people you kinda like posting shit you don't care about. the inclusion of crossing media with things like instagram and youtube has made it a whole lot worse, now you have to wade through incredible amounts of shit to even find a stupid tweet to rip the shit out of. and I say this fully aware that most everyone reading this came here through the link(s) I posted on twitter but I digress.

One of the main reason why I think Twitter is a humorous platform is that it's pretty much replaced the texted joke, the kind of jokes that would just appear as if my magic on your phone the second someone remotely famous died. Before if you got one of those jokes you'd read it and if you found it funny you'd send it to the people you'd feel would most appreciate it. (or to your mom to disappoint her, which I did many a time) Now you have Twitter which is almost like a texting subscription service, the idea that if a joke about jimmy savile appears on your feed you can retweet it without any fear of reprisal because the people who are reading that tweet through your retweet should have expected you to find something like that funny.

I think the reason anyone follows anyone on twitter is they have at some point done something funny, even to the point of movie stars, look at Samuel L. Jackson, fact is if all you are doing is quoting song lyrics the only reason anyone is following you is because they enjoy laughing at the type of music you like.

That or they're hoping you link an instagram picture of your tits.